I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
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Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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