haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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