shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
