You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
