I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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