i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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