remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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