her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
