I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
