i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
