I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
