All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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