The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
