you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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