I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
