dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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