the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
