just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
