i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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