sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
