just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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