You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
