i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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