you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
