thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
