There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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