HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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