If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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