I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
