I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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