I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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