I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
the raccoons are back...
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