My sheets look like a crime scene.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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