i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
