So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
