I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
