3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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