My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
