I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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