It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
