is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He passed out mid-signature
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
