ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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