so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
