Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
