I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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