i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
