my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
True strength comes from lack of pants
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
