Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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