Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
