I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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