I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
