I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
