What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
