Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
