You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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