her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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