my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
