Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
