My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
