I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
