...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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